An open letter to Austrian Airlines ...

Re: flight from Washington-Dulles into Vienna, Austria

First, let me start by saying that while I realize that it is not your fault that United sold the tickets that we purchased from them to you...thereby leaving both you and us (my husband and I) stranded in a relationship neither party had signed up for. These things happen, I understand.
Sometimes, they even turn out really, really well. For instance, United betrayed us last year too. They dumped us onto Lufthansa without a second thought. That turned out just lovely actually! Excellent service, a few more inches of leg room, relatively new plane...yes, we were satisfied with our newly arranged relationship. We had hoped that the same would be true with you.

To be fair, I will start with the positive. I don't want to come across as unduly negative. The meals were better than average for airline cuisine.

Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, I would like to discuss my complaints.

When we boarded our flight from Washington-Dulles to Vienna, we made our way to our window seat and stowed our carry-ons. When we raised the arm rest and it gave an excruciating squeal of complaint, my husband and I gave each other a look and a shoulder shrug and figured we would just keep it in one position for the rest of the flight so as not to scare other travelers into thinking that a wing was falling off of the plane.

Once situated, I tried to turn on the monitor so that I could watch the amusing video that accompanies safety instructions on international flights. My monitor would not turn on. I nudged my husband who then tried to turn on his monitor.

My husband's monitor would not turn on either.

Determined too keep a positive attitude, I plucked a magazine from my carry-on and reached above me to turn on the overhead seat light.

It did not turn on.

Neither would the light above my husband.

An expensive 8hr flight with no on-board movies and no light to read by... my positive attitude had fizzled and something much closer to high-annoyance began simmering . It didn't help when the flight attendant pretended not to speak English.

When the flight attendant passed by the third time, he must have just returned from a quick refresher course because his command of the English language was quite impressive. After some negotiating, he offered to move us to seats that had both lights and monitors...but no window. In the spirit of compromise, we accepted the move.

After collecting our belongings and suffering through the stares as our armrest let out a SKIRRRRRICH of complaint, we were shown to our new seats.

After re-stowing our carry-ons, I caught my first glimpse of my new seat mate. Who just so happened to look exactly like Andre the Giant. Only I don't recall Andre ever having white-blonde hi-lights streaked throughout his mullet or fingernails longer than an eagles talons. Perhaps you don't know who Andre the Giant is, in which case I have taken the liberty to include a photo.

Yes, just like that only with the hi-lights and talons.

AND, a 3 pound economy sized bag of sunflower seeds. Which he gnawed on for the ENTIRE 8 HOUR flight.

Please, picture this...my 5'2 frame sandwiched between my 6'4 husband and 7'2 Andre and his talons and his sunflower seeds. For 8 hours.

Have you ever had the pleasure of having ringside seats to an all out Talon vs. Sunflower seed match? It is quite an event. The crunch of the plastic as the hand rummages for it's next victim. The scrunch as the seed is ejected from the shell. The sound of talon against tooth as said shell is wrenched from the jaws of the giant. The slurping sound as the salt is sucked from the length of the 2 inch yellowed talon. The sigh of satisfaction as the pitted seed is deposited into a cup. A cup that happens to be clear thereby allowing spectators to watch in horror as shell after saliva after shell after saliva is amassed. For 8 hours.

Yes, the crunching, scrunching, slurping, sighing experience could all be heard through the earphones that were firmly lodged into my lobes. Yes. Really.

I am happy to report that I survived relatively unscarred. If only your plane had been in proper working order this could have been the beginning of a lovely new relationship. In fact, we had been prepared to give you a second chance since our return flight was booked through you as well. Instead, after the perils of the return flight (which I will address at a later date), we have vowed to never fly on an Austrian Air flight again. Ever.

Sincerely,

A customer who now has recurring nightmares about talons and sunflower seeds.