So I lied...

When I said that I didn't know why I fall off the blogging wagon so often, I lied. I do know. Its a little black cloud that floats over me at various times. A storm cloud that blows in and hangs out...depression.

For me, depression sneaks up. It starts with having a headache more days than not. No, not glaring migraines...dull aches that make it difficult to focus.

 Next comes the tiredness. An overwhelming sense of fatigue...where the thought of just showering seems overwhelming and requires a self-pep-talk. Where anything other than doing the bare minimum to get through a day has me exhausted and craving a nap...a loooong nap.

The backing up of laundry, the eating of lots of fast food, dust bunnies gone wild.

And then comes insomnia. Robbing me of sleep and leaving me cranky. Very cranky.

And my temper gets short. Not fun.

And I start eating bad, then worse, then terrible.

Answer the phone? Return a call? Nope. Too much effort required.

And I don't have a single drop of creative energy in my body. Not. A. Drop. Not for writing, not for photography, not for scrapbooking, not for cooking, not for anything.

Basically, I can read a book and feel ok. Anything more and I feel like I need a week long vacation.

I used to beat myself up about it. I should be better than this. I have nothing to be depressed about. I have a pretty great life. I shouldn't be so lazy. I know better.

Negative self talk that makes the depression worse.

I go from being a creative, passionate, organized, productive wife and mother to an unhealthy, unhappy irritable zombie.

For years I believed if I just prayed more, if I could squeeze in another chapter of scripture, etc. I would be fine. And you know what? I was wrong.

Fortunately I have a fantastic doctor. A doctor that told me that if I had diabetes I would pray to be healed but I would take my insulin in the meantime. A doctor that taught me that what I think I should be able to handle and what my body thinks I can handle are two very different things. A doctor that cared enough to point me in the direction of medicine that would help...and then respected my decision to wean off when the inevitable sexual side effects would take hold.

My doctor also encouraged me to study depression and it's effects on my own. To read reviews on new medicines and weigh my options.

I've spent the last year and a half fighting it on my own. With diet and exercise and sunshine. With no relief. The last six months were THE worst. THE worst.

So, I began researching options again. Reading up on the latest medicines and homeopathic remedies. I found a new medication and asked my doctor if I could try it. It has all the benefits of an anti-depressant without the sexual side effects. And it's working.

I have cooked more in the last three weeks than in the last year combined. Even better? I'm enjoying it! I've cleaned out closets and cabinets and drawers, began working on the interior and exterior of the house, making lists, crossing things off. I feel like myself again. And I like me again.

I feel like writing again. I've held back writing things on this blog over the years. Worried about who would say or think whatever about me. I censored myself out of fear of rejection. I'm mostly done with that.

Here's to more authentic writing...and to rain clouds that pass over instead of hang around.